Patriarchy has killed me

                                                                                       “Farsi Couplet:                                                                    Agar firdaus bar roo-e zameen ast,                                                          Hameen ast-o hameen ast-o hameen ast. English Translation: If there is a paradise on earth, It is this, it is this, it is this” ―  Amir Khusrau,  The Writings Of Amir Khusrau:700 yea...

H ave you ever dreamed of being part of movies? Yes, I did. Indian Movies? Yes, I did. Indian Queer Movies? Yes, I did. But how many us can be a part of it? Are there enough people making queer movies? Giving opportunities to queer people? Note that I'm only talking about India in this blog. We need more representation! Real representation! And doesn't mean we could only be used in a documentary telling our stories because we queer people have more than 'acceptance' to talk about at this point.  H alf of the sensible films make their ways to film festivals shown to people from the community and to a few who are not. And our lives doesn't reach to the audience which needs to see our stories too. We are just informing the already informed! Might be wrong too! And when one goes and searches on a reliable source to watch a film they end up watching censored porn on Youtube in the name of Indian gay movies. Let's not even get into Bollywood, no matter who does the fi...

H ey, thanks for showering my previous blog with so much love. Your love and affection made me write my next blog which is the continuation of the same story but it talks about something which we as humans across south Asia where hijra community, culture has been judged even now. No, this post isn't a post where you would read the same old thing which they've mentioned before but it lies deep within their lives.  I was fortunate enough to come across some kind-hearted hijras during this time, I got to learn so much about their lives and their survival issues. Their lack of self- awareness, education, employment which I could smell early too but this time it was getting real because I had stepped in their shoes. H ijra community is Asia's old ethnic transgender community which consists of many sub-communities under it. Hijra's also known as kinnar's hold position of demigods back then but now the world has changed, lives have changed. People who ask them ...

Hello  Everyone, it’s been a long time my blog has been inactive since last 3 years. My sincere apologies to everyone and I also take this occasion to thanks to all my readers to support me in the past and I hope my blogs must've helped you in some way.    We all are stuck in a situation where we don't have an option of getting out of it all we can do is be safe, maintain social distance, sanitize ourselves and be at home and have faith in our health workers!    Lockdown made me re-start my blog and to talk about things I have been through during span of 3 years. There were some amazing moments and some terrible too. I've met some amazing, incredible people, worked with them, learnt about life and craft of modelling, acting and improved my communication skills.     So, I was going through glitch in my personal life, my relations with my parents and their inter-personal relationship along with a poor economic situation and m...

These are my work links! You can see more of my work on Instagram-: @girlwith_a_beard Facebook-: Swapnil Alizeh Blog-: iamcrushedbypatriarchy.blogspot.com This is dedicated to all my trans-brothers ✌❤ This is my first visual poetry, I'm so proud to write this beautiful story which is so close to my heart and shower light on  identity, sexuality and being proud and embracing the past of One's life.  Because you're what you're today because of your past struggles.  Do watch this video. Listen the poetry,  read it and comment your views and please like and share if you relate to it. ❤ https://youtu.be/w5xhJtEfnXk "We don't need your sympathy, we just need equal opportunity" Do watch this and don't forget to like and comment. https://youtu.be/zBehsqZQuc4 This video will be very special to me, considering that I've shift back to the same Chawl where I use to stay 7years ago, when I use to walk in lanes and hear giggles because Im effeminate and today wa...

Hijra the word has a single meaning but so many mis conceptions attached to it. Basically, hijr is a Persian word which means ‘one who leaves behind his roots in search of one’s true identity’. And there has been many mis-conceptions about the hijra or kinnar community. One such is that they are born with both male and female genitals which is not true. Yes, there are people born with both genitals who are known as hijra’s, kinnar’s or transgenders but actually they’re not. These people or humans who are born with both the genitals are known as intersex people. They are born with both genitals because of some issues. I’ll tell you why I am writing about it! So, there is this show on a channel which had created curiosity in me to find out why a mother is forced to throw her own female child? I waited for almost 3 months and more till the girl or protagonist in show turns adult and they reveal the reason behind every one hating her. I wasn’t at home so I asked my mum to tell me wh...

Well to start with I’m not a huge fan of her and whatever I’m writing today isn’t to get some views on my post, it is to honour the Devi of Acting, Devi of Simplicity and Devi of charm through writing some words about her. Actually, I was supposed to write about all the actress who have impacted or taught me something in my upcoming new blog and obviously Devi was part of it but her tragic and shocking demise has made to write this and to give her tribute through my words. So, first time ever I encountered Sridevi was on screen while I was watching Mr. India, I didn’t know anything about the films and I wasn’t even a filmy keeda then. But that whole film stayed within me and I laughed till the end. Till now whenever I watch the film the only reason to watch it is her, to experience her sensuous moves, amazing vivaciousness and the innocence in her smile. Sridevi isn’t only the first female superstar of India but also the most beautiful sight to watch on screen.  Chaalba...

"Don’t be hooked on trends. Don’t make fashion own you, but you decide what you are, what you want to express by the way you dress and the way you live."   -  Gianni Versace This beautiful quote describes me completely. To start even I wasn’t even a fashion enthusiast but it happened suddenly and then the experiments, discoveries began. It was pretty challenging for me to decide what I wanted to wear, let me put it this way I was conflicted between clothes. Sounds funny isn’t it? its true. Along with that I didn’t had an opinion on fashion because I liked a frock as much as a pant but I was forced to follow the norm and to eye on men’s wardrobe. That didn’t stop me from adoring ladies section. And to be frank later on had variety and former one appeared similar every time. Later on, I met few people who started judging me because of my clothes which were actually awful earlier, lot of disapprovals, judgements, giggles and disappointments occurred. I didn’t have an opin...

I was in 12 th standard, our meet is one of the funny incidents which are happen to me! This guy boards train and we both travel in same compartment, at some point he looks at me and starts smiling and he winks and I try my level best to ignore him but I couldn’t. He talks to me and we both swipe our numbers and that was the first time ever I shared my number with anyone in a local train. We conversed, spoke over call and this was the time when I hardly knew ‘bout anything else about gays except grindr. This guy was on my mind and he was clear he just wanted to have sex with me! And one day we meet finally and trust me that was the first time I had bunk my classes for someone and I roamed with him from evening to night. Best part about that meet was we didn’t even spoke about sex we were too busy listening to each other. And at that point of my life which isn’t so late just 2 years ago I was not good looking, with a disastrous dressing sense but I wonder how he liked me! I coul...

So, it all started with a challenge, I challenged my friend that we will have to walk all the way from kurla to govandi and reach before midnight and he agreed. We were walking, talking, running and joking around and having a gala time and we reach almost till chembur which is filed with all the ‘taporis’ or ‘awaara’ boys. So, we were just discussing about review of section 377 and other stuff, I find three boys on scooter who were staring at me and I just ignored they went ahead and stopped and started whistling and I turned back they were calling me but I didn’t go. My friend went to them and was talking so I thought maybe they are his friends and they must be asking him why are you walking with him? Who is he? And I started walking ahead so that they don’t ask him anymore questions, my friend joins me again and we walk ahead and I kept asking him same question but he asked me to ignore it and walk. There these boys come again and start touching me and force me to ride on a sc...

So, on 24 th January a friend of mine asked me to come for an interview by Bombay Times at Churchgate and we reach there on time though we couldn’t find the venue so soon we all were frustrated and irritated as well. Along me with me and my friend there were some heterosexual girls and lesbians who were asked to come for the interview by an admin of a LGBT page in Mumbai. So, after a while we reach the venue and see the journalist greeting us nicely and busy shooting other people who were present. Later journalist describes us their idea that they need us to dress in pop colours so that could make the picture look more impactful and we asked her to give some time to think about it! We disagreed to their plan and decided to tell them no and leave, but when she approached us for shoot we talked to her and told her that the impact she wants to create through the wouldn’t work because it’s very stereotypical and wouldn’t do much for the community’s welfare, her idea basically was...

“Traditionally, exchange of haldi kunku between married women marks a symbol of having a happy married life. :) Does that mean others shouldn't have a happy life? We need to be considerate of human beings who feel like having such beautiful moments to celebrate and enjoy. Personally, I always felt left out whenever there was haldi kunku at my home or my friend's home. And I strongly feel this celebration should not be limited to just married women. Why not celebrate happiness of every human being? Why not spread love and joy to all? Hence, this decision of having a small homely occasion customised to spread love and joy for all the people who wants to be a part of it.” This was the exact message I received from my trans sister Nishtha and that’s it I was excited to attend a haldi kunku which smashed all barriers of gender, cast, race, sex, marital status for the first time may be. Idea of Haldi kunku has always fascinated me, draping the new traditional saree ...

My dad once happened to see one of my friend and asked me whether he is a hijra, i replied with a NO and told him it is his choice to live and express the way he wants. Later on he went on ranting that Hijra's do sex work, its not good for one to roam with them and i on the other hand went on clearing all his misconception but my quinquagenarian dad was adamant on his facts and didn't bother listening to me. I was initially scared and terrified of the Hijra’s but after a while i got along with most of them, and to discover more about them i had to learn how to speak like them. I have been into their daily chores and i know that their life isn't any less than an actor's shift. 4 am - 7 am is their morning begging time. Some people wake up by 10 and start begging on respected stations allotted to them by their Guru's. Some people go for begging in slums and some to the traditional badhaai ceremony from where they earn. Most of them opt for Sex work in the ni...

Exploring feminine self is/was never wrong. My friend once told  me that she just loves to dress like a girl, “ I want to roam on streets and arouse everyone using my feminity but i am scared that people would label me as hijra and more than that i only want to change my dresses not the genitals". I was stunned, she identifies herself as a Cross-dresser now and she is proud of her newly discovered identity. She says there's lot of pre- conceived notions and misconceptions,"I am like a mystery to every person, for some its how i look without cosmetics and for some its question on SRS". She tries hard to explain about it and most of them aren't interested to listen to her but busy staring at her mermaid- body type. When i discussed about it with a lot of people they just said here cross-dressers are not less than a trans gender person, they do it because they want to be a trans gender and either of them don't deserve to be respected. To which my friend adds...

Education is a base from where a young kid learns basic etiquettes of life but some lessons are never taught in the school premises due to which education turns into suffocation. Every child comes with his or her set of problems which are taken into consideration but there are many problems of children’s who are LGBT and they are never considered. I still remember being called by many names and I would never speak up, I thought I was wrong, I was not like the others. At that time i used to ask myself why am I born like this, why people harass me so much. I remember an incident from my 10th grade when a group of my classmates hit me so hard that made me so hyper, I left my classroom for principal’s office. When I recited the incident to her she replied “So what? go to your class”. And that was really rude of her to say. There were girls who use to hate me, they would call me names, today when they message me on social sites saying that “we are proud of you”, I feel where was t...

Previously marriage used to be a platform where two individuals would explore each other still loving and sharing lives. Agreed, it has its pros and cons but we have been spoon fed since ages that marriage is just an agreement to live under a roof, give birth to humans and love happens later. It is wrong! Marriage is a beautiful thing where two souls meet and know each other, start accepting each other with all their flaws. Now marriage for people only means to warm the sheets and reproduce. I have always dreamt about getting married to someone i like but its not the same with everyone from my community. Some people marry to destroy their lives to keep whole society happy. Some people even say that what's wrong with marrying a girl, you get an erection that's enough to reproduce kids and hand it over, the list hence goes on. Scenarios might be different for different people. People get married and then they don't even realise that every human being has his o...

People often ask me why you gays (effeminate gays) address yourselves as female? , why you address each others as 'sisters' or 'mother-daughter'? . Initially i use to think about the same and wonder what would be the reason behind it. As i discovered myself, my feminity and i started embracing it, I thought there's a 'She' within every 'He' and vice verse just realising that and to discover that and later embracing that is left upon us. I am feminine since my childhood as i have even mentioned in my previous write-ups, but is that the reason for me being gay is a big NO. There are many males out their who are feminine and are proud of it and embrace it with dignity. But yes our patriarchal society thinks being feminine is degrading or is something which can be dominated by them and used as per their needs. I was sexually abused and harassed at young age just because i was feminine and they molested my feminity. People make fun o...

Past one year has not only taught me to be proud about myself or to explore my gender identity, it has helped me to understand that unlike my friends i don't believe in having random hookups unless and until I'm not that horny that i want to sleep with someone. I was never introduced to concept of Demisexuality until last year. Demisexuality is the Gray area between Asexuality and Sexuality, where until and unless i don't form an emotional bond with someone, his chances of finding me next to him in bed is just impossible. Nowadays, in life sex is prioritise more than emotions and love, because condoms are easily available than a heart to heart conversation, gazing at stars and discussing about life and random stuff. i prefer not to go with people who believe in taking of pants easily than presenting their heart. And most of the  people wouldn't even believe that I'm a demisexual guy because I'm so open about idea of sex and sexuality and i do crazy stuff i...

Patriarchy is like flood which comes with such a tremendous flow and destroys lives. One such component in the patriarchy is 'GENDER NORM'. Gender norm has been there since ages and it has forced people to follow its terms and conditions.  Well, while growing up i also got to know that gender is assigned to clothes too. And i kept following it for a very long time,until i dint realised 'bout my gender identity. Yes! gender identity and sexual orientation are two different concepts. Being a 'gay' , 'lesbian', 'bi-sexual' tells about your sexual orientation; but gender identity is something which you decide. I identify myself as an 'Androgynous' guy. which means that i posses both qualities of a male and female. Lets come back to the clothes so ya people do assign gender to clothes. I liked heavy lehenga's, saree's, anaarkali's but i hardly liked men's clothes as all i could find is pant and shirt. I wasn't ever allowe...

Its true that no one will love you more than yourself, i didn't love myself and for a fact i was this oil skinned wearing big framed glasse and disastrous clothes kind of boy; But i really thank people who taunted me so much that because of them i explored myself in streets of fashion and that's also the time when i realised that my gender identity to be 'ANDROGYNYOUS'. It wasn't easy to love myself i had to struggle a lot, hear a lot and face a lot to love myself. I am still pampered by my dad and he used to shop for me earlier but after i met my friend about whom i wrote in previous blog i never went on shopping spree with my dad. We used to go to shop together and being a anti social, ambivert and publicly embarrassed person i never interacted with shopkeepers because of their lingo, it was tough for me i was constantly scared that if i behave feminine they would stare at me and would make fun of me. Once we went for shopping at bandra, after shoppin...