Patriarchy has killed me

Hello  Everyone, it’s been a long time my blog has been inactive since last 3 years. My sincere apologies to everyone and I also take this occasion to thanks to all my readers to support me in the past and I hope my blogs must've helped you in some way.    We all are stuck in a situation where we don't have an option of getting out of it all we can do is be safe, maintain social distance, sanitize ourselves and be at home and have faith in our health workers!    Lockdown made me re-start my blog and to talk about things I have been through during span of 3 years. There were some amazing moments and some terrible too. I've met some amazing, incredible people, worked with them, learnt about life and craft of modelling, acting and improved my communication skills.     So, I was going through glitch in my personal life, my relations with my parents and their inter-personal relationship along with a poor economic situation and m...

I was depressed, i wasn't happy I just thought somehow i need to get him back.  I tried a lot to convince him but he never listened. My depressed self lead me to having physical relation with a guy. I'm so glad that i met him at that point of my life, he never made me feel that i was just a xyz person who needs to have sex; but he actually respected me and listened to my story and i cried and he didn't even touched me that day.  Times changed i was enrolled in junior college, my parents weren't happy with my career choices a teacher, choreographer, fashion designer, journalist aren't  considered as profession in my family at least. i was enrolled in science stream, i somehow deal with it.  Then i met this random guy through a dating app, and our meeting was so mesmerising we were talking about random stuff in life. and that bond blossomed we started meeting regularly; thing which kept us connected was our journey of discovering world and our self. that was fir...

By age 12, I had never stopped tapping my feet on ground, accidentally i happened to see an episode of ‘Nachle ve’ with saroj khan and she was choreographing on ‘barso re’ song from movie “Guru”,I learnt a few steps from the show and as I was popular in my Chawl I made a team of 5 girls and choreographed them on the same song. Everyone laughed at me because I used to teach making the chawl area my center stage with passerby’s gawking and giggling at me. I prefered to teach in no chaos zone after that. I used to sing the song even though I wasn't so good with lyrics then, no one appreciated my efforts they used to laugh, but that 12year old was so naive that he thought mockery is appreciation.  I choreographed many songs but whenever my dad knew about it he used to feel ashamed. I would take free tuitions which my parents hated, they asked me to stop teaching and just concentrate on my own scores. I was in 6th grade when some teachers supported me while most didn't, one even m...

And I blinked, again and again and finally let out a wailing cry which subsided to a smile. While they announced "it's a boy", making a crescent on others face; Patriarchy winked at it's newest prey. I spread happiness around. I remember my mom told me once " You are the gift which Shiva and parvati gave me, they bestowed you in my arms". I couldn’t describe that motherhood bliss in her twinkling eyes along with the way I blushed.  let's commence with a flashback, At the age of 3, I use to watch Ramayana, as I was attracted to Seeta's character that time I didnt know how superior sita was, but I wanted to impersonate her as if I am sita, as if i am a female.To this, my cousin dragged me and said "you are a boy, and boys can either be laxmana or rama" I wasn't anymore interested in playing any games. At the age of 4, I was enrolled in junior school, I  never really thought If i was a boy or a girl, until someone told me tha...

I surrendered to it, Because I was asked to do so, It gave me clueless and valueless life, Never allowed me to respect myself, And made me kill my dreams with knife, It just dragged me to extreme lows, but now it doesn't, because I started saying "NO". "No" to the society which asked me to surrender, "No" to the knife with which i could even kill my life. "No" to hatred which I had about my existence. And finally,  "No" to the "patriarchy". Which was passed through my ancestors to me, and many others like me. Patriarchy tried to defame my dignity, existence and feminity just because I refused to accept gender norms, I didn't fit well into their synonym or perception of how a boy should be, and ironic and hypocritical people around who lived with facade . And also the journey from the day I saw it being applied on me to when I stopped bowing down to it. I didn't give up, i will say no and I will gr...