Patriarchy has killed me

Hello  Everyone, it’s been a long time my blog has been inactive since last 3 years. My sincere apologies to everyone and I also take this occasion to thanks to all my readers to support me in the past and I hope my blogs must've helped you in some way.    We all are stuck in a situation where we don't have an option of getting out of it all we can do is be safe, maintain social distance, sanitize ourselves and be at home and have faith in our health workers!    Lockdown made me re-start my blog and to talk about things I have been through during span of 3 years. There were some amazing moments and some terrible too. I've met some amazing, incredible people, worked with them, learnt about life and craft of modelling, acting and improved my communication skills.     So, I was going through glitch in my personal life, my relations with my parents and their inter-personal relationship along with a poor economic situation and m...

Its true that no one will love you more than yourself, i didn't love myself and for a fact i was this oil skinned wearing big framed glasse and disastrous clothes kind of boy; But i really thank people who taunted me so much that because of them i explored myself in streets of fashion and that's also the time when i realised that my gender identity to be 'ANDROGYNYOUS'. It wasn't easy to love myself i had to struggle a lot, hear a lot and face a lot to love myself. I am still pampered by my dad and he used to shop for me earlier but after i met my friend about whom i wrote in previous blog i never went on shopping spree with my dad. We used to go to shop together and being a anti social, ambivert and publicly embarrassed person i never interacted with shopkeepers because of their lingo, it was tough for me i was constantly scared that if i behave feminine they would stare at me and would make fun of me. Once we went for shopping at bandra, after shoppin...

I was depressed, i wasn't happy I just thought somehow i need to get him back.  I tried a lot to convince him but he never listened. My depressed self lead me to having physical relation with a guy. I'm so glad that i met him at that point of my life, he never made me feel that i was just a xyz person who needs to have sex; but he actually respected me and listened to my story and i cried and he didn't even touched me that day.  Times changed i was enrolled in junior college, my parents weren't happy with my career choices a teacher, choreographer, fashion designer, journalist aren't  considered as profession in my family at least. i was enrolled in science stream, i somehow deal with it.  Then i met this random guy through a dating app, and our meeting was so mesmerising we were talking about random stuff in life. and that bond blossomed we started meeting regularly; thing which kept us connected was our journey of discovering world and our self. that was fir...

I had a brief encounter with the operation theatre and it took me a bit time to recover from the trauma. In 7th grade i made a new friend who was like me. That phase was one of the best phases in my life, i suddenly started talking to everyone; though people taunted me, teachers made faces but i never stopped. For me interacting with someone who is like me made me not to feel low about myself. I never stopped dancing, constant dose of mockery along with some really mean taunts where always lashed out on me by my parents and society. Once a man told my dad " Tumcha mulga choreographer bannar pudhe", made such an impact on him that he still hates it. I wanted to participate in inter-school dance competition and in crowd of 60 kids i gave my name as a participant; but that poor teacher questioned my dancing abilities making the fellow classmates roar with laughter. 8th grade was pretty much better compared to the previous year and that's when i left singing and i s...

At 6, I was in first grade and the only time when I stood first in the whole batch. The result of taunts and mocks on my effeminate nature refrained me from participating in any extra curricular activities. Sports day was a day-off for me; and that's the day when my parents asked me to behave boyish and participate in sports. It was never made for me i could hardly run as I had asthma and even if I would run it wouldn't be any less than a slow motion run of heroine towards her hero. By age 7 I was asked to suppress my feminity, constant body language lessons would irritate me and that would result in me behaving more effeminate. It was then that the girl within me was touched by men who thought I was just a toy who can fullfil their desire. I was OK with this until it didn't move towards the unwanted places. By 8 I saw few hijra's clapping outside my door facing towards my neighbor's house, they took that guy away he must have been 14 then and I barely under...