Patriarchy has killed me

Its true that no one will love you more than yourself, i didn't love myself and for a fact i was this oil skinned wearing big framed glasse and disastrous clothes kind of boy; But i really thank people who taunted me so much that because of them i explored myself in streets of fashion and that's also the time when i realised that my gender identity to be 'ANDROGYNYOUS'. It wasn't easy to love myself i had to struggle a lot, hear a lot and face a lot to love myself. I am still pampered by my dad and he used to shop for me earlier but after i met my friend about whom i wrote in previous blog i never went on shopping spree with my dad. We used to go to shop together and being a anti social, ambivert and publicly embarrassed person i never interacted with shopkeepers because of their lingo, it was tough for me i was constantly scared that if i behave feminine they would stare at me and would make fun of me. Once we went for shopping at bandra, after shoppin...

I was depressed, i wasn't happy I just thought somehow i need to get him back.  I tried a lot to convince him but he never listened. My depressed self lead me to having physical relation with a guy. I'm so glad that i met him at that point of my life, he never made me feel that i was just a xyz person who needs to have sex; but he actually respected me and listened to my story and i cried and he didn't even touched me that day.  Times changed i was enrolled in junior college, my parents weren't happy with my career choices a teacher, choreographer, fashion designer, journalist aren't  considered as profession in my family at least. i was enrolled in science stream, i somehow deal with it.  Then i met this random guy through a dating app, and our meeting was so mesmerising we were talking about random stuff in life. and that bond blossomed we started meeting regularly; thing which kept us connected was our journey of discovering world and our self. that was fir...

I was aware of the term "gay" but for me it was similar to any derogatory term then. In 9th grade i had a friend in tutorial with whom i shared a not so cordial relationship who later went on to have crush on me. I could notice through her behaviour towards me, the way she used to stare at me in class making me uncomfortable. Back then straights were so much indulged into me that i could never accept myself as gay, i thought its just a term to tease me and i questioned myself, ‘how can i be gay?’. It took me alot of time to accept the same fact. Though i did make the girl understand that i could offer nothing more than friendship but it was clear that she wanted more, someone who could stand besides her and love her unconditionally. She shared minutest of things with me and we became thick friends. Things did not turn out as planned, once out of curiosity and due to my emotional nature i said ‘yes’ to her proposal, which was the biggest mistake of my life; things went haywir...

I had a brief encounter with the operation theatre and it took me a bit time to recover from the trauma. In 7th grade i made a new friend who was like me. That phase was one of the best phases in my life, i suddenly started talking to everyone; though people taunted me, teachers made faces but i never stopped. For me interacting with someone who is like me made me not to feel low about myself. I never stopped dancing, constant dose of mockery along with some really mean taunts where always lashed out on me by my parents and society. Once a man told my dad " Tumcha mulga choreographer bannar pudhe", made such an impact on him that he still hates it. I wanted to participate in inter-school dance competition and in crowd of 60 kids i gave my name as a participant; but that poor teacher questioned my dancing abilities making the fellow classmates roar with laughter. 8th grade was pretty much better compared to the previous year and that's when i left singing and i s...

By age 12, I had never stopped tapping my feet on ground, accidentally i happened to see an episode of ‘Nachle ve’ with saroj khan and she was choreographing on ‘barso re’ song from movie “Guru”,I learnt a few steps from the show and as I was popular in my Chawl I made a team of 5 girls and choreographed them on the same song. Everyone laughed at me because I used to teach making the chawl area my center stage with passerby’s gawking and giggling at me. I prefered to teach in no chaos zone after that. I used to sing the song even though I wasn't so good with lyrics then, no one appreciated my efforts they used to laugh, but that 12year old was so naive that he thought mockery is appreciation.  I choreographed many songs but whenever my dad knew about it he used to feel ashamed. I would take free tuitions which my parents hated, they asked me to stop teaching and just concentrate on my own scores. I was in 6th grade when some teachers supported me while most didn't, one even m...

At 6, I was in first grade and the only time when I stood first in the whole batch. The result of taunts and mocks on my effeminate nature refrained me from participating in any extra curricular activities. Sports day was a day-off for me; and that's the day when my parents asked me to behave boyish and participate in sports. It was never made for me i could hardly run as I had asthma and even if I would run it wouldn't be any less than a slow motion run of heroine towards her hero. By age 7 I was asked to suppress my feminity, constant body language lessons would irritate me and that would result in me behaving more effeminate. It was then that the girl within me was touched by men who thought I was just a toy who can fullfil their desire. I was OK with this until it didn't move towards the unwanted places. By 8 I saw few hijra's clapping outside my door facing towards my neighbor's house, they took that guy away he must have been 14 then and I barely under...

And I blinked, again and again and finally let out a wailing cry which subsided to a smile. While they announced "it's a boy", making a crescent on others face; Patriarchy winked at it's newest prey. I spread happiness around. I remember my mom told me once " You are the gift which Shiva and parvati gave me, they bestowed you in my arms". I couldn’t describe that motherhood bliss in her twinkling eyes along with the way I blushed.  let's commence with a flashback, At the age of 3, I use to watch Ramayana, as I was attracted to Seeta's character that time I didnt know how superior sita was, but I wanted to impersonate her as if I am sita, as if i am a female.To this, my cousin dragged me and said "you are a boy, and boys can either be laxmana or rama" I wasn't anymore interested in playing any games. At the age of 4, I was enrolled in junior school, I  never really thought If i was a boy or a girl, until someone told me tha...